The Jester

The 40 is marvelous in its ability to both get you drunk and make you look like a homeless person for under $5.

Here are some things that would not be appropriate for single-serving 40oz containers.

1. Gasoline

2. Semen

3. Children

4. Books

5. Pillows

6. Your Bachelor’s Degree

7. Empty 40s

8. Your roommate

9. A Lewinsky (how can you eat your sandwich if it is in a glass bottle?)

10. Your penis

The Rope Issue will soon be on the front page… right now it’s located here.

The continuation of the country list is in the previous post, but there are two other typos in the print edition (not online):

• On the first list page, one must note that all of Beatles songs are produced by George Martensite.
• On the second list page, the new type face is clearly: Fellatio Sanz.

The ROPE issue is online and well.  Click it!  here’s the continuation of the list inside…

• France
• Nauru
• USSR
• Chile
• Mascara
• Lesszambique
• read more…

But more importantly, since this is a blog post written by someone who might be a first year, do forgive me for making LitHum jokes. Maybe if you wait a year you’ll get CC Jokes.

The Inferno, as envisioned by a Puppy

One Maundy Thursday, Dante the Baby Dachshund was walking to the dog run, when suddenly, a German Shepherd, a Siberian Husky, and a Pit Bull hopped out from behind a tree. “GRRRRRR,” they said.

Dante turned around and peed on a bush. From behind the bush emerged a beagle named Virgil. “Woof,” He said.

“Woof,” said Dante

The two turned around and saw the other dog run. “Lasciate ogni speranza, voi chi entrate. Please clean up after your dog.”

“Woof,” said Virgil.

The two walked in. They passed some airedales being stung by bees and a bunch of very regal looking Golden Retrievers. Dante played tug of war with them for a while. He grew bored of this and kept walking. They passed a couple of Chihuahuas who were blowing about in the wind, and then they passed some really fat Yellow Labs. There was a Rottweiler with a really big bowl of food and a really skinny Greyhound. Next to them, a Jack Russell was barking at a really sad looking Bloodhound.

They crossed into the inner part of the dog run with all of the naughty antisocial dogs. There were Pit Bulls fighting each other, a Pit Bull scratching itself, and a baby Pit Bull gnawing on a squeaky Jesus doll. There were two Shih Tzus Copulating, a Shiba Inu peeing on itself, a Shar Pei barking very loudly, and a Puli with a pile of other dogs toys he had taken in exchange for treats. There was a dog meowing, a dog with a ball that was not his, one barking at other dogs, and a pug who would throw his toys at groups of dogs to make them fight.

Worst of all, there were a bunch of poodles who are currently substituting for the sins I was not creative enough to illustrate with dogs.

Dante saw a dog that kind of looked like Lucifer. He peed on him and then Virgil and he exited the dog run through the back exit.

“Woof,” said Dante.

“Woof,” said Virgil.

Isn’t it a good thing God made snow white? It looks like the sweetest whipped cream, it’s like a marshmallow hat for the world. Just imagine how bad things would be if the color of snow was:

• Red - “Could this be the time Slayer is proven right? …Nope, it’s just snowing blood.”
• Orange - “AHHHH WE’RE BOILING ALIVE! THE HEAT IS EXCRU–oh wait, it’s just snow. Get back in the pool, guys.”
• Yellow - “Aw great, who peed in all of the snow?! That’s disgusting.”
• Green - “Days like this you just gotta wonder how Al Gore feels. ‘It’s too hot, we’re not being green enough,’ okay Al. It’s snowing and it’s green.”
• Blue - “The sky! It’s decaying! The dead flakes of sky are piling up on the ground! Hey, you can ski in this stuff.”
• Purple - “Ooh! Does it taste good? Nope, flavorless.”
• Brown - “God needs to stop shitting where he eats. Also, not near his snowmaker.”
• Black - “Why isn’t the snow white? This is so fucked up.”

Hey guys! Jester’s my name and jesting is my game.

Nope, not joking, jesting. I know it’s confusing. If you want jokes, go to a joker.

I’m actually not a joker, myself. That’s different.

I do get that a lot. No, we’re not friends. He’s in another trade. We have different unions.

Come on now, groaning that loudly is never polite.

I am a jester. Yes, that’s a thing.

I jest. Don’t worry! You’ll see how much fun it can be.

I’m afraid I can’t do that for you. You see, telling jokes is what a joker does. I’m a jester. A jester jests.

What does that mean? Let’s go ahead and look it up together. Here. The Oxford English Dictionary: “intr. To say something amusing or facetious; to make witty or humorous remarks; to joke.” Damn it! Trust me, there’s a distinction.

Why don’t I jest for you. We’ll enjoy this.

Give me one sec.

No, I can’t just tell you a joke. It’s not my specialty.

I certainly can’t do that either.

Sorry, I just won’t. That’s his line. Why don’t you get him next time?

Will you let me do my thing? I promise you’ll like it.

No. Seriously. I don’t say that.

Sigh.

Fine.

Why…Why so serious.

Happy New Day, Columbians!

It seems very few things get celebrated just when the clock strikes midnight (besides New Years). Here are some other exciting things that could happen at midnight that may explain why!

1. It could now be the day one of your relatives died

2. Cablevision could stop airing the Food Network

3. You could look up and realize that it is tomorrow and you are blogging instead of doing homework

4.  You could realize you have lost another day of your useless existence

5. You could get raped

So let’s rejoice and thank God we only have to celebrate midnight once a year!

The Plus/Minus (+/-) issue is now online.  Print issues will be available shortly.

Here’s the continuation of the List of Porn Novels:

Classics

• Black Beauty (same)
• The Cunt of Montie Christo
• Frank In Stein
• Heada Gobbler
• The Collected Works of Honore de Ballsack
• Lord of the Thighs
• A Midsummer Night’s Cream
• The Muff of Sisyphus
• (P)ride & Pussyjuice
• The Repubelick
• Rumpelforeskin
• 69,000 Legs Under the Semen read more…