Jester Applies for Spectator

Recently, the Columbia Spectator, Columbia University’s Newspaper, held auditions to become an Opinion Columnist.  Naturally, the Jester wanted to express some of its many opinions.  Documentation of this audition can be found below: the application itself as well as the questionably-expected rejection letter.

The Spec

1. Name

[Jester of Columbia]

2. Where did you hear about the columnist application?

The internet.

3. What do you want your beat, or area of focus, to be? What makes you qualified to cover it, and why is it important for the Spec to cover it? In other words, why should readers be interested in what you’re saying, and why should you be the one to say it?

I’d like to write a two word column.  I would like to declare that something is unsatisfactory in the form: “_____ sucks.”  As Editor-in-Chief of the Jester of Columbia, I feel quite qualified to discern the difference between what rules and what sucks.  Please note that this column will not be expanded to denoting something as ruling and another as sucking.  I chose only to focus on a half-empty glass.  Students will be interested in my column because the name of the column will be significantly longer than its content.  In this modern Internet Age, in which attention spans thin into an infinitesimal sliver, I believe that the amount of time one can successfully hold an audience’s attention is two to four words - five words, maybe if one of them is “vagina.”  This column guarantees to be controversial.  No one agrees upon suction.

4. While we address many issues of national and international importance, the Spectator’s primary role as a newspaper is to examine the problems and hot topics on campus. How will your beat relate to the Columbia community? Please name one or two issues, events, etc. that occurred on campus last year that would fall under your beat.

My column will touch upon all issues individually with no explanation.  Here are a few Columbia related items, I deem suck: Off Campus Flex, Lawn Tarps, and Ricky’s.

5. Keeping up an 800-word column every two weeks can be challenging in the midst of a busy semester. What makes you think you’re capable of handling it? It is also difficult to consistently come up with creative ideas. Please give five fleshed-out column ideas. (More than five welcome)

As you can see by this application, I am able to write detailed sentences.  I’m sure I can handle this.

Here are some column ideas.  Please note that these columns are not fully written.  To be fully written, one must appropriately append the word “suck” or “sucks.”

• Boron
• Baby Bjorns
• Death
• Lycos
• Itchy Redness
• Handball
• #3 Pencils
• Plastic Corked Wine

6. Who was your favorite columnist from last semester, and why? Name one column (by the same or a different columnist) that could have been improved, and explain why. Please be specific.

I don’t know.  Most columns are longer than my attention span.

7. Please list the groups in which you are currently involved, or have been involved, on campus. Include any positions you hold/have held.

Jester of Columbia: Editor-In-Chief (2009-), Treasurer (2007-2008), Editorial Staff (2006-2007).

I also wrote a play for the 2009 Egg & Peacock (KCST’s 24 hour play festival) entitled Waiting for Godot to Shut the Fuck Up.  Notably, it was prominently featured (positively) in the BWOG’s review of the event.

8. Please attach a full-length (800 words) sample column. Please take this question seriously-we would like to see the quality of work you intend to publish. This sample must be wholly original and may not have been previously published.

Yogurt sucks.

The Rejection Letter:

Dear [Jester],

Thank you for your Spectator columnist application.
You may be surprised to learn that we are unable to offer you a spot as one of our columnists this semester. Thank you anyway for giving us a laugh as we read the applications.
Have a great rest of the summer.
Best regards,

[Redacted]
Editorial Page Editor
Columbia Daily Spectator< ><–>