Jester Applies to the Varsity Show
Jester presents to you this historic document in its unabridged form, hastily written typos intact.
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I have missed the auditions but please accept me anyway on the basis of my spec script Phi Beta DeKappa
This will only work if performed to the exact specifications of the script so please pay strict attention to the exact amounts of blood in the script.(I have used metric measurements because the best theater in the world is produced in Britain where it is called “theatre” and Britain is where the metric system was developed as opposed to the English system we use here)
Phi Betta DeCappa
A proposed varsity show
Many students are drinking at Havana Central. They sing a song about what it is like to drink at Havana Central – in summary, here is what it is like:
It is not a very good bar. It was formerly known as the West End. Barnard girls go there wanting to get fucked with a dick of a guy who is going to that bar. As people dance around (Although there is no dancing at Havana Central, the action in the show in general is expressed through dancing, so that is why everyone is dancing around during this song.), some of them leave together in order to hook up, some people pass out, and others play beer pong and a joke is made about whether it should be called “Beer Pong” or “Beirut.” At the end of the song BARNARD GIRL,NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL, JOCK GUY, and HIPSTER GUY are left at a table together. Their characters have been identified by their solos. As they talk ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE, approaches
JOCK GUY: So, you ever been to the stacks? (hold for laughter)
NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL: Oh my god there are so many great books at the stacks.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: I believe he was referring to sexual activity.
BARNARD GIRL: Who are you?
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: My name is Robot Robotson. I am a transfer student from NYU.
HIPSTER GUY: Oh, so were you programmed for bagging groceries? (hold for peals of uproarious laughter)
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: I was programmed for decapitation.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE slices hipster guy’s head off with his GIANT CHOPPING BLADE. It spins around several times and lands on the table, knocking over the drinks of NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL and JOCK GUY. Both get up angrily, brushing off the drinks on their clothes. Meanwhile blood is spilling from is neck wound at a rate of 500 ml per second, although this rate is slowly decreasing.
BARNARD GIRL: Awwwwkwwaaard…
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE slices BARNARD GIRL’s head off and hold it in his hand, crushing it with his robotic grip. All told, about three liters of blood are produced by this action.
JOCK GUY: Well, she was saying that she gave great head.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE juliennes the head of JOCK GUY like a carrot – it is removed, then cut on four sides to create a rectangle, then cut lengthwise into approximately 3mm strips.
NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL: (twirling hair) So, MIT, eh? I’ll bet you were pretty smart.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: Are you kidding? I was Phi Beta De-capa.
NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL: So, what do you want to do now?
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: Let’s head to the stacks.
NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL: To read some books?
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: Among other things…
THE CHORUS: Boning…
SCENE
SCENE 2:
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE and NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL are reading books, sitting cross legged on the floor together.
NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL (sexily): So…what “other things” were you talking about.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE reaches behind her and chops off her bra.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: Does this give you an idea?
NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL: I think it does…
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE chops off her head
HEAD OF NERDY COLUMBIA GIRL: Oh I thought you meant sex.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: I did
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE proceeds to have sex with Nerdy Columbia Girl’s neck hole. 4 liters of blood exit the wound in the process.
LIBRARIAN (walking in on them): Have you lost your mind?
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE decapitates LIBRARIAN. The blood sprays in a fine mist, covering about 75% of the surface within an 8 foot radius – within 4 feet, 100 percent of the surface is covered with droplets, and near the rim it is about 50%. A few droplets extend beyond this zone, but not many.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: No, you have.
BUTLER CAMPER walks in carrying a hiking backpack and tent to set up camp. He slips on the blood, landing 2 feet downstage of the center of the blood radius, oriented with his head pointing between stage left and upstage, and his feet pointing between stage right and downstage.
BUTLER SONG begins. This song discusses the social scene at Butler Library. After each round of singing, approximately ten people are decapitated, and their heads are dance-kicked into the audience by ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE. At the end of the song, the CHORUS is decapitated and ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE sucks in their blood with a vacuum attachment and sprays it over the cheering audience. There are about 30 liters of blood.
ROBOT WITH GIANT CHOPPING BLADE: When Columbia kids don’t shower, you have to give them a bloodbath.
SCENE
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Sorry I forgot to say what position I am applying for it is ENTIRE CREATIVE TEAM
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hide details Sep 30 (9 days ago)
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Thank you for your interest in the Varsity Show! Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you a Creative Team position for this year. There are many other ways to get involved! We’ll add your name to the mailing list so you can get updates.
Warmly,
[redacted] and [redacted]
Producers, The 114th Annual Varsity Show
