At the release of the new iPhone, assholes, faggots and douchebags alike united in song as they all got on their knees and waited in enormous lines to take turns sucking Steve Job’s cock. However, upon realizing that there’s a .00001cm^2 area on the phone where, should you touch it, the gates of hell would open up and Richard Nixon would appear as a baby taking milk from the breast of Chris Farley’s armpit, all of the Apple fanboys suddenly realized that the iPhone was no longer a beacon of light, but the embodiment of Lucifer himself. People soon noticed more and more issues with the iPhone until they realized that the new iPhone and all of the iPhones before it were nothing but pure logs of shit.
Presenting:
Issues with the new iPhone that Apple has overlooked:
1. Autocorrects words that I have made up to more ridiculous substitutes
2. Does not let me listen to the three radio stations that still exist
3. Is too “New Fangled”
4. Does not have a deep sea flashlight function
5. Will not talk to me no matter how lonely I tell it I am
6. Does not get reception in coal mines
7. Does not enhance that size of my penis, even a little bit
8. Does not have any Klingon in its list of symbols
9. Does not have a magnet for attracting “chicks”
10. Does not let me play WoW in real time
11. Will not make me smell better
12. Is completely devoid of laser beams of any kind
13. Is black (issue has since been resolved)
14. Will not dump my girlfriend for me, even if I ask it nicely
15. Will not fend off attackers
16. Is by no means “extendable”
17. Does not have a “get me off my fat ass” app
18. Too many fun iPhone things and not enough boring phone things
19. Cannot transform into interesting shapes
20. Is square
21. Cannot be used by my dog
22. The screen gets too touchy
23. The “i” is lowercase
24. Does not come with any sort of ninja star or ninja apparel of any kind
25. Is not a cat
